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Fic: I Am Within You

This came out of reading over the prompts that had originally interested me of the 31_days may prompt list. It was #24 I am within you. Due to time constraints and me being a horribly slow writer, I didn't even get to start to work on it until last weekend. I had had a really exceptionally crappy, emotionally taxing week with little to no sleep and somehow that resulted in me getting the idea for this. Slowly built on it, wrote it and rewrote the entire week. I took me quite a while to get the wording at least close to what I wanted it to be. (Note: I'm a perfectionist. Therefore I'm never really satisfied with anything I do. ;) ) Be warned: it's unbetaed and English still isn't my native language, so there might be errors. I hope you enjoy it, anyway.

Title: I Am Within You
Fandom: Yami no Matsuei
Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei doesn't belong to me but to Matsushita-sensei and her publishers and such. I don't claim ownership, I just wanted to play with the boys a little. (Yay for the copy+paste disclaimer, I'm lazy)
Genre: Hmm, tricky. Character piece/ internal monologue / introspective
Characters: Hisoka (Others are implied. If I did my job well, you'll recognize them.)
Rating: Rated T. Mentioned non-graphic violence. If you were fine reading the manga or watching the series, you should be fine with this, really. I put an "adult concepts" tag on this just to be on the safe side.
Status: Complete. One-shot.
Summary: Umm... What I said under genre says it all really. Really hard to explain, especially because I'm famously horrible at explaining things.


I am in the coldness in your voice, the harsh words you use to drive people away, to keep them from getting too close to you, to keep yourself from becoming too attached to them. The insecurity that makes you recoil from a gentle touch in fear of rejection while subconsciously seeking such closeness still. I am your denial of your own needs, your search for solitude when truly you want to be anything but alone. I am your shield against the cruel pain that the inevitable loss and return to loneliness would bring.

I am also the constant uncertainty on the edge of your consciousness. That feeling of being inadequate that makes you strive to become stronger, better. You can find me in your determination turn away all frivolous dreams and games, in order to show your maturity and seriousness. In order to show to all the world that you can handle everything the universe throws at you. I am your strength and efficiency, your skill to overcome obstacles with the tools you have been granted and not childishly hope for the improbable, the impossible, the unattainable. I am your ability to face the fate our blood is forcing on you.

I am within you, bound to you by blood. You’ll never leave me behind.


I am the source of your nightmares, the terror that makes you wake with a scream in your throat. I am your weakness, your clenching muscles that keep you from fleeing, your inability to do anything but whimper and cry in fear. I am the memory of the tearing, wrenching pain in your flesh, the sickening touch that will make you turn away from any other hand. I am the lust you hate and the taste of blood on your tongue. The scent of death and dread. The loss of your innocence, the realization of your mortality.

I am your death, the fire that rages through your nerves. Carved into your skin, I am forever poisoning your blood. The disgust, the self-loathing is where I find my rest. The hatred and anger you use to cover your fear is my gift to you. I am the cause of your hunger for power, the little voice in your head telling you in that deceptively gentle yet cruel tone that you’ll never cut my strings.

I am within you, bound you to me through your blood. You’ll never rid yourself of me.


That warmth melting the ice around your heart, that is me. The insistent voice asking you to open up, to trust in the kindness offered. I’ve caused that desire to touch the hand reaching for you, to fall into those arms held open in invitation to you. I am your tentative enjoyment in the scent of spring on the wind, your hesitant pleasure at the taste of something sweet on your lips, the timid bliss of drifting in reverie on a beautiful summer day. I am your wish to loosen up, to enjoy the moments the world grants you. I am in the smile trying to crack the stoic mask of your face, in the laughter trying to free itself of your throat.

I am the root of your dreams of a happy tomorrow; dreams in which sorrow and fear, pain and rage have no room. Dreams that drive away the nightmares of your life. Though I cannot heal your scars, I let them slip from your mind, make you disregard them until they become insignificant. I slowly fill every crack, every rift, every scratch on your soul until they are barely visible.

I have a home in you, one you made for me yourself. You’ll never make me leave.

Fic: Of Pie and Inevitability

So, this was originally meant for the 31_days  may 8th prompt (inevitability). But since I am one horribly slow writer I only just finished it. This is my first piece of Yami no Matsuei fanfiction and I'm neither a natively English speaking person nor do I have a beta reader right now. So, if anyone spots any errors, feel free to tell me. I hope you enjoy reading it, I definately had fun writing it. :)

Of Pie and Inevitability
Fandom: Yami no Matsuei
Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei doesn't belong to me but to Matsushita-sensei and her publishers and such. I don't claim ownership, I just wanted to play with the boys a little.
Genre: Humor/Romance (I guess)
Characters: Tsuzuki/Hisoka
Comments: Rated T. Some more or less minor swearing. Set some time before Kyoto (in my mind Kyoto happened when the Tsuzuki and Hisoka have been partners for about a year and half to two years, something like that), no spoilers that I can think of. Also, since this is Yami no Matsuei this is Shounen-ai. Don't read this if you have a problem with that.
Status: Complete. One-shot.
Summary: Hisoka is thinking about his recent behavior and what it certainly does NOT mean.

Hisoka was annoyed. He sat across from Tsuzuki at a table in the Clover Garden Open Restaurant in Nagasaki, slowly drinking his coffee while he was watching his partner wolf down multiple pieces of apple pie. They came here every now and then ever since their first case together over a year ago. Tsuzuki loved the apple pie here. Hisoka just wasn’t sure why that meant he had to accompany him on his lunch break here at least once a month. He didn’t understand how Tsuzuki always managed to convince him and - what was worse - neither did Hisoka understand why he didn’t even mind anymore.

He sat there contently watching his partner and hoping to all the gods that Tsuzuki would not notice that he kept watching him.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Lately he had caught himself more and more frequently staring at the man. Or thinking about him when he had actually been trying to read. ‘Trying’ being the operative word here. He would end up with his gaze out a window instead, not really seeing anything but wondering what Tsuzuki might be up to instead. He simply couldn’t figure out why it would interest him at all what his idiot partner was doing - especially not when it was his day off and he had been looking forward to reading in peace all week.

All of this irritated him to no end and it only seemed to be getting worse. Just last week he had found himself intently looking at Tsuzuki chew on the end of a pencil while he was avoiding actually filling out the form in front of him with it and daydreaming instead. This would only have been a minor annoyance to Hisoka if his luck had not taken a turn for the worse with Watari choosing that exact moment to come in to talk to them. The man wasn’t blind so naturally he had noticed the boy staring at Tsuzuki. Hisoka had clearly felt Watari’s amusement and had seen the wink the crazy scientist had thrown him on his way out.

Then of course there was the fact that recently Hisoka had started to sometimes give in when Tsuzuki pressed him to get some cake or pie himself. And no, the idiot wasn’t right, Hisoka did not actually like some of the baked goods he was made to eat. And no, he was absolutely not doing it because he liked feeling the joy coming from his partner whenever he did aquiesce. Especially not since he couldn’t come up with a decent, rational reason for why it should matter to him whether the older shinigami was happy with something Hisoka decided to do or not.

Therefore Hisoka had remained steadfast today and had only ordered a cup of coffee. He had reveled in his little triumph over himself until Tsuzuki’s apple pie had arrived and the man had started eating. He was beginning to regret his decision now. Had he ordered a piece for himself it would have given him something else to look at. Then maybe he wouldn’t have suddenly realized that his eyes had been following the movements of the fork in the older man’s hands. And he might not have found himself musing that he thought Tsuzuki’s slightly messy, almost childlike and hasty way of eating kind of cute. And his gaze might not have lingered on the other’s lips as the tip of a tongue darted out to lick away a few crumbs.

Maybe it was all just the strangeness of his existence as shinigami and the weirdness of Meifu in general and his work environment at EnmaCho in specific getting to him.

I’m just loosing my mind, that’s all. Had to happen at some point. Everyone else certainly already has a screw or two loose.

Tsuzuki had frowned at his refusal of desert but hadn’t said anything about it - yet. However Hisoka could feel the expected reprimand coming before Tsuzuki paused halfway through his second piece of pie and put down the fork. Tsuzuki lifted his head but before his eyes could meet Hisoka’s, Hisoka turned his gaze aside, pretending for all world that he had been looking out the window the entire time.

“Are you sure you don’t want any yourself?” Tsuzuki gestured at his plate.

“If I had wanted some I would have ordered it.” It was his usual answer to this or similar questions from his partner and he did not feel any surprise coming from Tsuzuki. He did hear him sigh though.

“You know, drinking as much coffee as you do really isn’t healthy. Especially when you’re not eating right.”

“I hardly think you’re the right person to advise me on eating habits. Three pieces of pie for lunch does not constitute ‘eating right’.” Hisoka had a hard time to keep his amusement at Tsuzuki’s admonition from showing on his face or in his voice. He drank another sip of coffee just so he could cover the slight twitch he felt as his lips wanted to smile. “Besides I’m dead already, am I not? It’s not as if the caffeine could inhibit my growth.”

Tsuzuki sighed again and Hisoka could feel those purple eyes studying him. He was well aware that the older man knew Hisoka had nights when his dreams plagued him so much that he had trouble eating the following day. And he knew Hisoka still rarely slept peacefully. Everyone at EnmaCho knew. For the most part they all pretended not to know, while cutting him some slack if they found him asleep somewhere during work hours. Even Tatsumi-san. This was another thing that annoyed him. He didn’t need them - didn’t want them - to go easy on him.

He felt the worry coming off of Tsuzuki in waves along with something warmer. Care? Friendliness? Fondness, maybe? To be honest he had not the slightest clue. He’d had so few experiences with such emotions in his life that he was still uncertain if he read them right when he encountered them. Besides to him Tsuzuki’s emotional landscape felt a little like a maze covered in a thick, sticky-sweet, rainbow colored mist. Confusing, disorienting yet strangely intriguing and charming.

And now there was suddenly a fork full of pie hovering in front of his lips. He threw his partner a questioning gaze. Tsuzuki was grinning at him.


“But I said-” He didn’t get to finish his rejection. As soon as the younger shinigami had started to speak the infuriating man had shoved fork and pie into his now open mouth. All he could do was eat it. And Tsuzuki was pleased, his grin having taken over most of his face now. Damn the man.

“I’ll make you a deal,” the dark haired man said to him as he pushed the plate with the half finished piece of pie closer to Hisoka. “You can eat this by yourself and I stop nagging you - for now.”

Finish this by myself..? Oh, for fuck’s sake! He isn’t... He wouldn’t... Would he?

Hisoka’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Or?”

“Or I’ll feed it to you if you’d prefer.” Tsuzuki’s eyes were sparkling with mischief and his gaze changed subtly, became more intense, sexier. ‘What?! Where the hell did that come from? I do NOT think he’s... I do NOT think of him that way!’ His voice had deepened a little as he continued speaking. “And trust me I have ways to make you eat.”

“You wouldn’t dare.” Hisoka hated how his voice sounded a little breathy and not at all forceful and irritated as he had intended.

Tsuzuki put the fork back down on the plate, steepled his fingers and put his chin onto them. His grin had become decidedly impish. “Want to bet?”

Hisoka practically growled at his partner. Still his fingers darted quickly to the plate to pick up the fork and he started eating the thrice-be-damned pie before Tsuzuki could follow through on his threat.

Meanwhile the vexing idiot was chuckling and even more pleased than before. He was literally radiating happiness right now. That was aggravating Hisoka even further. Mostly because for some stupid reason he couldn’t even begin to fathom that made him just the slightest bit happy as well.

“See? That wasn’t so hard now, was it?”

“Shut up,” Hisoka mumbled between bites.

But of course Tsuzuki simply ignored him. He was all innocent and full of good intentions now. “The apple pie is really good here. I know you’ve had it before and you didn’t hate it then.”

The erratic man sighed again suddenly and seemed a little disheartened. “And you’re going to need that boost of energy. There are a ton of files to finish up. Tatsumi said he won’t give us our paychecks until they’re done and on his desk.”

“That would be your share of the paperwork, Tsuzuki. I finished my half yesterday.” As if by magic those files just always seemed to migrate back to Hisoka’s desk.

“But there is so much left to do and you won’t get payed either until we’ve turned them in.”

Hisoka put the fork back down on the now empty plate and pushed it back over to the other man. “I can wait a few days. Unlike some people, I don’t spend all of my money as soon as I get it.”

“Hisokaaa!” The older shinigami’s voice had turned desperate and pleading now. Hisoka felt his lips twitch in amusement again.

“Idiot, don’t I always end up helping you?”

He could feel Tsuzuki’s relief and gratitude which made that stupid smile all the harder to fight. To cover it up he finished his now lukewarm coffee - the taste made him wince at least - and went back to watching Tsuzuki devour the last of his beloved apple pie. This time he forgot to look away as the older man looked up again. Tsuzuki smiled gently but didn’t say a single word. And the boy felt his face grow warm as he blushed.

“Well, let’s head back then.” Hisoka quickly stood and walked over to the cash desk. The irresistible, yet baffling blob of emotion that was his partner followed him and all Hisoka could think was that he really didn’t care if it was inevitable. That he didn’t care what anyone else thought. That he didn’t care if it was already too late. He did NOT like that man. ‘And I will certainly NEVER feel anything more for him,’ he thought as he paid for both his coffee and Tsuzuki’s pie without even realizing it.

50scenes claim

I really liked this idea, so I thought I'll try it out myself. I'm claiming prompt table 5 for Yami no Matsuei with no specific pairing in mind.

50scenes , Table 5, fandom: Yami no Matsuei, subject: general

006.Linger.007.Clouds.008.Liar.009.Remember.010.Writer's Choice.
016.Fire.017.Tomorrow.018.Closer.019.Heed.020.Writer's Choice.
021.Underneath.022.Hide. 023.Flash.024.Anger. 025.Shame.
026.Adoration.027.Waves.028.Apologise.029.Waiting.030.Writer's Choice.
036.Melt.037.Half.038.Leave.039.Neutral.040.Writer's Choice.
046.Dew.047.Night.048.Footsteps.049.End.050.Writer's Choice.

On writing

It's my plan to use this journal for writing fiction and fan-fiction that I might or might not post else where as well. I have an interest in multiple fandoms but will start with Yami no Matsuei for now. I know many people have given up writing fics for that fandom now but it's currently my favorite, so we'll see how it goes.

I'm mainly using writing as an outlet for my creativity. It's a nice way to balance out my often stressful work days (I'm a software developer). I've always written on one thing or another all through my life - little ficlets, drabbles, short stories, even a few poems; both fiction and fan-fiction. Mainly for myself though, I rarely ever publish anything anywhere. Want to see if I can change that.



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June 2011


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